extended my arm while black birds flyed into the blue veins
looking for every detail of the skin and shapes of exausted muscles of anger i have resided this last decade .
but i have to ignore it all if i want to focus on what really matters .
What does really matter ?
After all , the only thing of the Universe that i still care about is my ego . And ego is such a waist of existence !!
What brings me to waist my life with "expression" , art .
Any temptative of self-expression is a mental disease .
Why ? For what ? When will i overcome this imature need ?
Is my life a such traumatic umberable experience that i have to overtake it with self-expression ?
Yesterday i was at the shower imagining how good would be to take the phone and tell my mother that i got leukemia . That i had less than 9 months and would travel to a nice place for spending my last days alone . This would be a good lie and i would feel great !!
Cancer tastes like pizza to me . And has so many flavors to choose !!!
I understand stupid people that think are artists and use terminal diseases for making people pay attention on then . But I don't understand people that pay attention on then : " oh she has cancer and paint about it !! what a brave woman !! FUCK THEN ALL !!
Life never liked me and as consequence i never liked it . This is a relationship that didn't work . i want divorse , even because it commited adultery against me .
even so.... Why should i express myself ? What criminal culture is this that teaches us self expression has any value ? It just brings vanity , suffering , more fear , transforming souls in slaves of aesthetics .
Why do you express yourself ? To save your life ? Jesus said that the one that trys to save its life will lose it at the Kingdow of the Heaven .
To prove to the rest of the world and yourself that you aren't one more piece of shit ? But you are just one more piece of shit !!! That is the reason you are reencarnated on this periferic planet of this periferic galaxy !
So the search for the Truth that all the artists say to do is as a matter of fact one more way to transform our lies , insecuritys in Truth and be able to live with it . Is just an ilusion we love to believe because we are weak cowards that don't want to face it .
This is the reason artists get into crises . I mean , the sinsere real artists get into crises because deep inside they know there is no sincerity or reality in anything he dedicated his entire life for making happen .
Other day i read an entusiastic silly person saying that an ideal world would be a place where more art could be produced and enjoyed . I am sorry , but a world full of art and that needs it so much seems to be a extremely problematic sick place . I don't want to be part of this !
So here i am after have spent the last 2 hours working out with the sweat dried on my body looking to the empty walls of my house trying to think how i am going to keep producing art and lie to myself , making people believe on my aesthetic as it had some truth just because we are fruits of a culture that have taught us for the last 10.000 years that all these aesthetic excuses worths something , that self expression is a real value that comes fron the soul and not an ilusion against the core of the existence in this Universe .
Self expressionis just one more modality of materialism . Art is like cancer and pizza , pick your favorite flavor .
fuck ............. i don't know what to paint now ................
i think i am going to bed read the menus of the pizzerias of my neighborhood imagining myself tasting a pizza and sleep earlier tonight .
i know tomorrow God will make a miracle in my life . i even got the lotery ticket . i feel in my veins that THIS time i am going to win . wish me luck !! and i will never need to express myself again . money will do this for me :D !!! how deep am i , hein !!? Hey bella , come to eat a pizza in my house and let's make art means nothing in my bed !! by the way , you bring the pizza ...
and i don't know who is the author of the photo i posted now , but it seems to be a sad esteriotype fron the second half of the 50's , so lets pretent the author prefer to stay anonimous .
this is just one reason i am in crises about my work .
i didn't even mention things like people expect a brazilian esteriotype fron me , or judjgeing me and not my work .
maybe i should put a Carmen Miranda hat and dance samba talking about tropical forest . i bet people would love to see this .
MY LAST POST MADE A LITTLE RIOT AND IT IS ALL MY FAULT .
i shouldn't have writen many diferent subjects in one short text , even all this talking about the same issue .
but thank you for all that have commented about . you were very kind .
i didn't make it clear . but 2 woman with very strong personalitys made comments i would like to share with you . the comments are in english what makes easier to me without need to translate . but all languages are very welcome . and i gave aswers that i believe will let things a bit clear . not totaly .
i am not here to help , i am here for mess . i am not a spiritual leader , i have no answers .
it is good to know people takes me seriously sometimes , and not just as an exotic piece of character .
thank you !!
Caio - I don't know what to say. I do know artists with cancer who paint about it and it is healing and energising and I am amazed by one of the artists ability to paint physical and psychological emotion yet make it beautiful (http://aviewbeyondwords.blogspot.com/) but then again, she was an artist before the cancer. She is an artist primarily and cancer patient secondarily, yet right now, the cancer consumes her time. I agree, there can be more important things than art or music or literature, but a world filled with quality arts makes the world a pleasanter place for those that appreciate it. The ability to express oneself artistically and exceptionally would be an amazing thing for the masses would it not? The beauty of art is that it tries, and often achieves, to transcend religion and politics thus allowing us to see eachother for the qualities withing and not solely by sociiological labels and niches. We are each more than the place we were born, the religion or politics we hold and the education we had, are we not?
MY ANSWER -
JASMINE - to paint about cancer or any similar thing isn't art , is speach , can be made beautifully , but isn't art . the nature of art is diferent of what they teach us in schools sinse the second half of the 20th centure . you must to forget all you learned about if you want to see art as it really is .even so i agree i was grosse on my comment about this . i am sorry . i don't know if exists things more important than art in this world . i don't remember to have said something like this on this text . and a world with more art is just a pleasanter place if the civilization that lives in this world is very sick and disturbed . the necessity of art isn't a gift , but a curse . art is about religion , always , very rare art is about spirituality , 2 very diferent things . and art is used by us as politic , always . because art is a way you find to position yourself in this world . and this is politic . but doesn't mean that you need to do speachs as the cancer example . yes , we are much more than the place we were born , religion and politics . but where is art in this ? is art and self expression fron our souls or fron our cultural way to see ourselfs and deal with it ?and if art is an authentic manifestaton of our souls ... what is the reall value of this in our lifes and for the improvement of the soul ? greed is a manifestation of the soul too . should we transform this in a real value and live by it as has been the proposal sinse the 17th centure ? or stop this in our lifes ? rage , is a fruit of our souls . today we believe rage is an evil thing . but thousands of years ago it was considered a gift fron gods . so , maybe art is a bad thing and we in our cultural values consider this a wonderful thing in our lifes .but first of all , i am teasing . i live for art . it has saved and cursed my life hundreds of times . i have this love-hate relationship with it . i just think that artists must to start to question the real value of art in our lifes . this is the only way to reach better levels and a superior art one day .
Linda May -
Ah mate. What can I say. Simplify your mind. Shut it to those thoughts. If there were no artists the world would be a much much poorer place visually and in lots of other ways as well.There are all sorts of people "needed" to make up this world, your style is just one of those many.They should be all able to fit together in symbiosis. I love that word. I try to understand art and the reason and idea behind it, but being a simple person it does not always work. So I just accept it for what I think of as an expression of beauty.A story from inside it's maker, as much a story as any writer would put into word.
MY ANSWER -
LINDA MAY - but it is the oposite of simplify the mind . is about going beyond art . beyond its needs . we should ask why do we need this . are we so miserable that art turns into a fundamental characteristc of our lifes ? i do believe styles fit together in sybiosis . all , one completing the other . but till when is it going to be a real value ? and why ? i've used the idea of "expression of beauty " last night after to write this . i believe that it is a good start to real answers . even so , not real conclusions . thank you Linda May .